Hogwarts Never Stood a Chance
by NotDoomie
Summary: Mary Sue parody. Rated for crude references and humor


Story notes: This is a parody of a Mary Sue story. If you don't know what a Mary Sue (or a Gary Stu) is, it's usually an author putting him or herself into a story as the new center of attention. More often than not, they end up dead. In this one, you'll wish she would.

Chapter 01: Welcome to Hogwarts, Mary Sue

When she got her letter, she was ecstatic. When she shopped in Diagon Alley, she was in awe. Now that she stepped through the barrier to platform nine and three quarters, she was speechless. Or rather, would be if she could stop talking. Instead, she bombarded any other Hogwarts attendee that would listen to her with useless information and praise for herself.

"You know, I'm the youngest person ever to be admitted. I figure I'm pretty much invincible. Why else would I be here? Hey, watch this! I bet nobody else can do that. Wanna see my special power that's so incredible that nobody can beat me? I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I have it.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched this spectacle from their seat on the train.

"New student? Ron asked.

"Mary Sue," Harry replied.

"Another one?" Ron and Hermione groaned in exasperation.

"Here she comes," Ron said as the new student boarded the train. She walked towards their car, drawn by an invisible force that compelled her toward the trio. Sliding the door open, she noticed the empty seat.

"May I?" she asked, indicating the empty seat.

"Of course," Harry replied. "How could I refuse someone as pretty as you a seat?" She blushed a dark pink, which quickly faded as she took her seat. "Can I ask your name?" Harry asked, flashing her his famous smile.

/Urghh…/ Ron and Hermione mentally gagged.

"It's Mary Sue," the new girl giggled.

/So wait, a Mary Sue that's _actually_ named Mary Sue? That's a new low./ Harry thought to himself. /The least you could do would be to giver her a proper name./ Harry smiled again.

"It's nice to meet you."

Interacting with Mary Sues and Gary Stus is an inevitable part of being a worldwide phenomenon. Nobody knows this better than the characters of the Harry Potter books. We asked Harry for his thoughts in this subject.

"It was kind of weird the first time, especially the first time someone wrote a Gary Stu yaoi fic. shudder but eventually we all got used to it. You know, we play along, and the authors…well, let's just say that some fics make it all worthwhile."

Fangirl favorite Draco Malfoy had the following to say; "How come I never get to be straight?" Oops. Wrong clip. "They're not all bad. Sometimes I get to curse people." Oops. Oh well. Draco's opinion doesn't matter anyway. He's evil.

The Hogwarts Express stopped in front of the moat surrounding the school.

"Firs' years!" Hagrid's booming voice echoed throughout the train. Mary Sue rubbed her eyes and rolled over.

"Harry, are we first years again?" Ron whispered.

"I think so. After all, she is," Harry whispered back.

"Oh yeah…" Ron mused to himself as Hermione reached across the aisle to shake Mary Sue back to consciousness.

She yawned and opened her eyes slowly.

"Are we there already?" she asked dumbly.

"Yes," Hermione replied. "Let's go find a boat with four seats left."

They exited the train and looked for a boat, but couldn't find one with enough seats for all of them. They did, however, manage to find two boats with two empty seats apiece.

"'Mione 'n' me'll take this one!" Ron said, eagerly bounding towards the boat that Hagrid was in.

"That means…" Harry spotted the other boat with available seats. It contained Neville Longbottom and Draco Malfoy, who had managed to get separated from his goons. "We get this one."

Author's notes: In case you couldn't tell, this is supposed to be a complete narration of a Mary Sue fic, with character interviews to boot. Mary Sue is supposed to not know that she's a character, and the main characters are interacting with her (despite the fact that they are fully aware of their situation as characters) for the sake of a fanfic. Although they may not enjoy Mary Sues, they put up with them for the sake of popularity. I don't know what, exactly, will happen to Mary Sue and out heroes who must endure her, so if you have any deliciously, gut-wrenchingly painful ideas, please tell me. (I plan to torture the main characters as much as humanly possible, short of making this a yaoi story.) And humor levels will increase in later chapters. (Otherwise, it wouldn't be much of a parody! ) Anyway, please, PLEASE review! It's my first fic, so be kind…


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